Why I Don't Play RPGs

Here's the deal: I really, really want to play RPG games. Pokemon, World of Warcraft, Final Fantasy, etc. They're beautiful, usually have a better story that most games, and offer up really long game times. They have a lot of bang for their buck. They are basically a novel on a disk.

So why don't I play them?

Well, let me preface this by saying I absolutely loved Earthbound on the SNES. It's the only RPG I've played beginning to end. I rented it from the rental store two or three times in a row to complete it. It was my RPG gateway drug. But oddly enough, whenever I need another 'hit', the initial taste is sour and annoying.

The most annoying facet of RPGs that I don't like is the inactivity. Racing games like Gran Turismo and Forza are RPGs of sorts. You have to upgrade in one way or another to continue. Side scrollers test you with button mashing and timeing and puzzles in between powerups and levels.

RPGs are simply the most boring activity known to man. You read text. You read action. You read battle. You manage menus, stats, weapons, armor. It's sort of like reading a book and playing a board game at the same time.

I consider myself an average gamer. A guy's guy. I like sports and cars and women. So why don't I agree with the millions of people (yes, I know they're mostly kids) who buy Pokemon every couple of years, even though it's the same game over and over. I guess it's the same reason why I never collected baseball cards or know who won the World Series in '82 and who was the MVP that year.

And even though I love information like databases and websites, I'll never be able to get past that hump that is an RPG game. It seems to me to be the one area that people don't really flirt with in gaming. I know I'm missing out on a great deal of games. And when I think about that I immediately gawk at the nearest game rack for Pokemon and Final Fantasy cover art.

Maybe, just maybe, this weekend I'll pick up a used GBA Pokeman or DS Final Fantasy redux and sit myself down in the funeral home this weekend next to the other 8-year-old addicts and "behave myself".